


I’m an arsehole

by macgoldenof



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 20:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30044421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macgoldenof/pseuds/macgoldenof
Summary: A new essay competition in Moordale will change things.Set after S2.
Relationships: Otis Milburn/Maeve Wiley
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	I’m an arsehole

Weeks of trying to fix his relationship with Maeve with no success had made Otis pay a heavy toll, both physically and mentally. What had started as a somewhat optimistic endeavour to fix things with her, had turned into a completely emotional wreckage as she pushed him out of her life.

His once vibrant blue coloured eyes had become dark blue, with no spark of happiness, no longer shining as they did in the past. His voice had turned stiff and rough, with no warmth in it. Even his posture was the one of a man that had given up.

But it was mentally that he was affected the most.

The fact that Maeve told him she didn't want him in her life was the worst that had happened in his life. And to make things worse he knew it was his and only his fault. But then again, what was he expecting? Forgiveness? Arseholes like him didn't deserve that. He totally deserved Maeve's answer and the pain that those words were causing on him.

Otis felt like if any kind of joy had been sucked out of his body. Things that he had enjoyed greatly in the past didn't bring him happiness anymore. Videogames? Music? Books? Movies? They had become mere ways to spend time with. He had gone as far as no longer finding happiness in his usual bike trips with Eric every morning.

However, Otis took it one step further.

He was trying his best to ignore his feelings. In the past, letting him get carried away by them had only caused problems and hurt people, and he wasn’t going to repeat that.

He knew that bottling his feelings wasn’t healthy, but she didn’t want to burden Eric or Jean with his problems, they had more important things to do than care about an arsehole like him.

His daily routine had become a very mechanical one. He woke up, went to school, came back, did his homework, had dinner, and laid on his bed until he fell asleep. He barely spoke more than strictly necessary. The only thing that changed on weekends was that instead of going to school he just laid on his bed. He didn’t even bother to try to distract himself with any of his hobbies, at the end of the day those were simply a distraction from the inevitability of death; Maeve was right, she had always been.

But nothing was just as exhausting as having to supress his tears every time he wanted to cry, and he wanted to cry so many times every day. But he told himself that he was broken beyond repair, that he deserved what he got, and that crying wasn’t going to help anyone anyway, so it was better to not do it.

The only thing that pushed him to keep going was that his mum was now pregnant. Jean and Jakob were together once again, and he could tell how happy she was; and a new kid meant the opportunity for his mum to have the child she deserved and not the messed-up person he ended up being. So, he made the sole purpose of his life to make things as good as possible for his mum, she deserved the best. He decided that he wouldn't involve himself in the life of his new brother or sister more than it was strictly necessary, he didn't want them to be influenced by his terrible personality; with Remi and him there were already enough arseholes in the Milburn family.

* * *

A few weeks before.

Otis had just arrived from school when he saw Jean and Jakob at the living room.

“Darling, do you have a moment?”

“Of course.”

“Jakob and I have something extremely important to tell you.”

“Ok.”

“I’m pregnant.” He could see the happiness in Jean’s face.

“Are you… keeping it?” He asked with curiosity.

“We have decided that we want to do this. And that we want to be together.” He had never seen his mum so happy. And Jakob seemed as happy as the Swedish man could be.

“I'm happy for you mum. And for you Jakob. I wish you the absolute best.” He said with complete honesty. He loved his mum and he appreciated Jakob for making Jean happy. His mum and Jakob were genuinely good people, and he wished nothing but the best for them.

But obviously Otis’ face didn’t reflect it, and Jean saw that. “You don't seem happy, Otis.”

“It doesn't matter. You have more important issues right now.”

“Darling, you will always be my priority.”

“I shouldn't, I don't deserve it.”

“Otis...” Jean wanted to tell him that he would always be the love of her life, she had seen him suffer for weeks and she hated that, but Otis interrupted her.

“Just drop it mum, it doesn't matter. Now you have Jakob and a new opportunity in your life. You have finally what you deserve, mum. No more Remi, no more Remi Junior, no more arseholes to hurt you. I'm sure both Jakob and the baby will appreciate how lucky they are for having you in their life. If only dad and I had done that…” He sighed. “And now if you excuse me, I have homework to do.”

Before Jean or Jakob were able to react, Otis was already in his room.

He was in his bedroom doing his homework when he heard a knock. He should have known better than to expect to be left alone after what happened.

“Come in.” He said without moving his sight away from the book.

“Hello Otis.”

“Hi Jakob. What can I help you with?”

“Your mum is really worried about you.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you acting like you did before?”

“Because I can’t make things good for her. Things would have gotten worse if I had stayed.”

“What's the problem then?”

“I realised that you were wrong.”

“What about?”

“I'm not a good man. I'm quite an awful person in fact; a real arsehole like my dad. The biggest achievement in my life is how much I have hurt everyone I care about.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because there is not a single person in my life that I haven’t hurt in the most despicable way. I have hurt my best friend calling him stupid things in a moment in which I should have given all my support. I boycotted your relationship with my mum because I’m an immature child that couldn’t handle not having all her attention for once in his life. And you can ask Ola if you need more information of how much of a bad person I am.”

“I'm sure Ola would disagree with you.”

“She has only forgiven me because she is a really nice and forgiving person, not because I deserve any of it. The way in which I hurt Ola and Maeve that night was so vile. And that’s the worst. I could have stopped hurting those people at any moment, but I didn’t. I just kept being this fucking arsehole I happen to be. That means that I have chosen to be an arsehole with the people that cares about me. If that doesn’t make me a bad person, I don’t know what to say.”

“You should speak with your mum; she really cares about you.”

“I know. I have always known that she has loved me, that's why I don't deserve her.”

“I don’t know what happened to you, nor what you’re blaming yourself for, Otis. But I know that you’re a good man that shouldn’t torment himself as much as you do. Everyone makes mistakes, and if others forgive you, you should forgive yourself too.” The Swedish man said before going away.

Otis almost broke. However, he was able to recover his composure before it was too late, but not before a single tear started to slide down his cheek.

* * *

“After the success of the last essay competition, Moordale has decided to launch a new one. The entry, once again, is compulsory. The subject this time is ‘ _Honesty_ ’.” Announced Ms. Sands.

* * *

Otis had just finished cleaning the dishes after another dinner without talking with Jean.

“Are you ok, darling?” Jean asked, feeling so worried about him.

“I am.” He hated to lie to his mum once again, but he didn't want to worry Jean taking into account her situation.

Obviously, Jean had seen through his lie, but before she was able to say anything he had already gone to his room.

Concerned about his son, Jean entered his room. She saw him just laying at the bed, doing nothing else.

She sat on the bed. Otis was facing the other direction, and so far, had said nothing to Jean.

“I'm worried about you, darling.”

“You shouldn't. I'm sorry.” He said with an emotionless voice.

“How can I not be worried? You haven’t been yourself for weeks.”

“You shouldn't be worried about me mum; I don't deserve it.”

“Otis, you're my son, and I love you more than to anyone else, of course I care about you.”

“You have someone more important to care about.”

“I love your little sibling already, but that doesn't make me love you any less.”

She pulled Otis towards her to hug him.

What worried her the most is that he didn't seem to be there. He wasn't even dismissive, he didn't push her away, he just stayed there doing nothing. And to make everything even worse, she didn’t know how to make him feel any better.

* * *

Otis was ready to go out of the class when Ms. Sands called for him.

“Are you ok, Otis?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“I have read your essay. And it seems that you’re having some issues in your life.”

“Teenager problems. Not a big deal.”

Ms. Sands knew that Otis wasn’t going to open to her. “Ok, but remember that there are always people that would help you, ok? You friends, your family. And my door is always open, ok?”

“Yeah, thanks.” He said before leaving the class.

* * *

“And the winner of the essay competition is… Otis Milburn with his essay ‘ _I’m an arsehole_ ’.” Mr. Groff announced during Assembly.

Otis didn’t care. A stupid essay prize wasn’t to fix his problems.

“Otis, please, come up to the stage so you can read it for all of us.” Mr. Groff said.

Otis did as he had been instructed. He took a deep breath before starting to read. He wasn’t eager to read his essay, but after his party everyone in school knew that he was an arsehole, so it didn’t really matter he thought.

He started to read.

_My name is Otis Milburn and I’m an arsehole._

_According to the dictionary an arsehole is an unpleasant or stupid person. But I think that’s an inaccurate definition._

_Being an arsehole goes much further away than that. Being an arsehole means that you’re a liar, that you hurt people knowingly, not stopping even when you could do that. To me that sounds like being a monster._

_And yes, I’m that monster. I guess that one could ask why I think that of myself. What reasons do I have to describe myself in that way? I guess that the easiest answer to that question would be a list of names. The names of the people I have hurt the most. The same people that care the most about me. The same people to who I have failed over and over again. The same people who would be better without me. The same people that sooner or later will push me out of their lives._

_Because that’s the true punishment for being an arsehole, being alone, feeling alone, even when you’re surrounded by other people. Knowing that you could have had it all, but for some stupid reason you decided to do everything you could to throw it away. And what’s worse, you know you deserve it, that you’re the only one to blame for your situation._

_Even right now part of me wants to blame someone else from my own faults. The easiest person to blame would be my dad. He’s the biggest arsehole I know. So maybe I could just blame him for teaching me to be an arsehole. But I think that’s unfair, because in the same way I could have learnt how to be an arsehole from him, I could have learnt how not to be one from my mum._

Otis continued reading his essay.

As Maeve kept listening to him, she was more and more worried after every word. The Otis she had known would have never written something like that. She realised how bad he felt, so she decided to try to speak with him as soon as possible.

She found him in her way to her next class.

“Otis!” She yelled at him to gain his attention, since she was behind him.

Otis came to a stop. He didn’t want to speak with Maeve, but he didn’t want to be rude either. He just hoped that the encounter was as brief as possible.

“What do you want?” He asked as soon as Maeve had reached his position.

“I want to speak with you.”

“I don’t want to do that, I’m sorry.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“You shouldn’t. I’m an arsehole, so I don’t deserve it.” He said as he started to look at the ground.

“You’re not an arsehole.”

“After what I did to you, being an arsehole is the only way anyone could describe me.”

“If I can get over that night, so can you.”

“I will never be over it. Not knowing the price that I will have to pay for that night.”

“Why are you not even looking at me, Otis?” Maeve asked as he was still looking at the ground.

“Because it hurts. Seeing you is like feeling my heart being ripped out from my chest. Looking at you is the ultimate reminder that I'm indeed an arsehole. So even if I know that I deserve all the hurt that I have inflicted on myself, I prefer to spare myself from this one.”

“But I don't want you to hurt.”

“I know, I have never believed that you enjoy seeing me hurting. I know that you are much better than that, you’re a good person.”

“Otis, I know that I’m also responsible for hurting you, let me fix it.”

“Oh no Maeve, don't do that. Don't take responsibility for something you have not done. What's happening to me it's my sole fault.”

“What if it’s not?”

He sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I know you hate me now. And it’s ok, I don’t deserve anything different.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“How couldn’t you after what I told you during the party? After you told me to stay away from you?”

“I messed up too.”

“I told you that you don’t mess up everything Maeve, and I meant it.”

“I didn’t even ask you what you said in your voicemail.”

“It doesn’t really matter Maeve. But if you want to know, I sent that voicemail to tell you how much I love you. Much more than you could ever imagine.”

“You… you love me?” Maeve couldn’t believe it, the last thing she was expecting in that situation was a declaration of love. Her heart was beating so fast that it seemed it wanted to escape her chest. The problems between them seemed like a note of the past.

“Yes. That’s why I understood that I have to be away from you; you deserve better than the immature child I happen to be. I can’t make you happy, I can only hurt you again and again, and that’s something I’m going to avoid no matter at what cost.”

“No, no, no, I’m not having that. You can’t just run away from all your problems.”

“I wish I could run away from being an arsehole, but I don’t think I can fix that.”

He tried to turn around to leave, being so close to Maeve was starting to feel overwhelming.

But Maeve wasn’t going to let him, so she hugged him tightly, hoping to stop him.

“Maeve…” That was all he could say before it was too much. He started to cry all his sadness away. All the tears he had bottled for so long started to flow.

Maeve hated seeing him like that. She berated herself for hurting him in the slightest.

After a while, his sobs subdued.

“What’s wrong?” She asked looking directly at his eyes, but without stop holding him.

“Everything.”

“Otis…”

“You shouldn’t care about me, I’m just an arsehole.”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

“I will never forgive myself for hurting you so much. I hate myself, and you should hate me too.”

“I don’t hate you.” She said with a smile as she softly rubbed his chest. The tiny smile in his face felt like a victory to her.

* * *

Months later.

Milburn residence.

“Are you sure that you’re ok with taking care of Oliver all by yourself, darlings?”

“Don’t worry Jean, I can take care of your 2 babies without any problem.” Maeve replied looking at Otis with the smile she only had for him, as his boyfriend was holding his little brother in his arms.

Otis chuckled. “It’s ok, mum. Go to have some fun with Jakob, the 2 of you have earnt it.”

“Don’t worry Otis, we will.” Said the affable Swedish man while going out the house.

“We won’t be late, I promise.” Jean said as she closed the door behind her.

As Jean and Jakob were gone, Maeve sat on the sofa next to Otis.

“You’re such a great big brother. A bit clumsy sometimes, but a great one nonetheless.”

“Thanks.” That meant a lot to him, he loved his little brother so much.

“And I love you so much, Muppet.” Maeve said giving him a kiss on his cheek.

“I love you too, Maeve.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know that probably Otis' essay isn't good enough to win the competition, but let's ignore that fact for plot purposes 😅


End file.
